Why...

Why can't I just have what I want.
Why does it have to be complicated.
Why does it have to feel as if my soul was ripped out of me and torn into a million pieces.
Am I not allowed to be happy?
Am I not allowed to feel loved?
Do I not deserve it...

When All Your Dreams Come True.

The moment when all your dreams come true,  who do you want standing next to you?  Through your darkest hour, through your brightest day.   There's always one person that could make  your day that much brighter, to be that flicker of hope through the darkness.

Meeting that person is truly a gift,  a gift like no other.  It's like opening your eyes for the first time and taking in the intensity of the world,  full of hope and wonder.

When it's gone,  it's the worst kind of pain.  Loneliness and dispair become your closest friends. 

Hold it dear forever, everyday, every hour, every second.  Because it hurts like hell once it's gone.

Just a random Love letter...

I hate this... You took my heart, when it was hurting and showed me love. We spent hours on end just talking, arguing and laughing. You repaired me, made me feel whole again and made me receptive to the changes taking place in my life. I felt safe and secure with you. You taught me that true love doesnt mean we don't fight or disagree, but rather it's two people that stay true to themselves as well as learning to accept the other person for who they are.

Through all the changes that have occured in the past couple of years, you held my hand and stood by me through it all. You showed me how to love again and made me fearless to the unknown. You showed me reason, when every sense of reason had left me...

I adore you... Thank you for teaching me how to love again, especially how to love myself again...

How are we still in the same place after all these years?

Just A Thought

Sometimes you make me feel like an object, a possesion, something you use and can discard till you need me again... If you ever need me again. Will I ever be good enough to be more than just a secret?

Helplessness

So tired of feeling this way.  One minute I think everything is going great and I'm happy and the next I feel this void in my life.  It makes me wonder how much longer this will last for. This downward spiral has me gripping on straws from my past, hoping for some clarity as to when this all started. 

Time For A Change

Sometimes wanting something completely different to what you are used to can be a good thing. Sometimes you just feel that way because memories cannot keep holding on forever.  No matter how many or how intense or how vivid those memories may be. You cannot let every opportunity or every new person, in your life,  slip away because you are too afraid to move on.

Starless Sky

Thinking about the past, has me thinking and dreaming about how things would have been, had I not been afraid to stand up for how I felt at that moment.  The feelings might have been fleeting but they were there. They came at me with such a force I was stunned for a long time. It felt as if time had stood still and all that mattered was us in that moment, under the nights starless sky. Enveloped in the darkness we were scared but excited, all of this still new to us. I knew in that moment this could be the real thing. Who knows it might still be...

I'm Ready!

Wow things have definitely changed. I'm not the same insecure person I was before. Being here has taught me how to be tough and assertive and it has shown me that I can make it in anything I work hard at. This is the motivation that i've needed for so long. Now I can't wait for what comes next... I'm ready!

OTH

Magic in the little things

My mind races to a million different memories when I think of you...And I'll cherish each and every memory for the rest of my existence. There's so much wonder and magic in even the tinniest of memories. 

Just How I Feel

It's not that I cannot survive without you. It's that I love spending most of my time with you. The truth is I'm the happiest when you are around.

Scattered

Lately I've been checking my blog, wanting to post something, but having nothing to say. I keep thinking this is because I'm content and happy...

Today reality hit me hard!
I'm numb!

This past year has gone by, I've met so many new people, yet it feels like I have nobody. The people I consider my closest friends, I barely speak to and I'm to BLAME! I'm so caught up in everyday life that I have completely lost sight of myself! I go to work, come home,  download stuff that have no real substance, sleep, study, sleep some-more and repeat day after day... I have no idea how to get out of this rut that I'm currently in. I don't know how to fix and mend all the relationships I've allowed to crumble.

I think that I've pushed them away because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the direction my life is heading in... I'm afraid to admit that I'm terrified of what to expect in the next couple of years.  I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough for any of them. I feel shattered, pieces of me are scattered and I have no idea how to put all the pieces back together. I don't even know where to begin!

It's time to look passed all the negative in our lives and start looking towards the tiny joys that we all experience every day.  Everyone gets blue, we just need to learn how to "roll with the punches" and move on... If we dwell on all the bad, we miss out on the truly unexpected and magical moments. 

Imperfection is Perfection

The shower turned on, steam started filling the room. I sat on the edge of your bed, you had left the bathroom door open so we could talk while I waited for you... I've known you for years but this was only our 3rd date and it wasn't going as planned.  You were a little late, I was moody from a long day. I kept thinking that the perfect night we had spent hours planning, was ruined...  Only later on did I realise that the imperfections are what made it uniquely perfect. The small caring gestures and secret moments that we share are the most special; like your hand on my back when I'm stressed or anxious... It soothes me. Your concern and worry, comforts and protects me. The love that you radiate warms my soul..  

Give Me Love

The song that got me hooked on Ed Sheeran

Waiting

The sun kissed my skin as I lazily looked up at you...  You were already smiling down at me, the heat I felt intensified.  Just then a cool breeze swept over me, droplets of water lingered in the air making me gasp.  It's cool touch melted away and I looked up; you were gone...  I looked everywhere but you were nowhere.  All I was left with were beautiful memories...  Memories and dreams that will keep me waiting for the day you return.

ALONE

I like being left alone! I actually prefer it. Being alone is so much easier than having to wear a mask. No one sees who I really am, and at times I barely recognise myself...

The storm is near.

Everything's the clearest and most vivid just before a storm. And the storm is near...

That Unexplainable Feeling

Sometimes I just feel so lost. I always say that I feel myself slipping away, but its more than just that, maybe I want to just be lost maybe things will be easier. Why do I find it easier to post on my blog when I am depressed, instead of speaking to those who I am closest to? Maybe its because I know that what I want and need to hear I wont get from them. All I know is that sometimes I just need to talk about how I feel no matter how foolish I might seem and sometimes, I JUST NEED YOU TO LISTEN.

Beauty Surrounding Us

Sometimes in life we are so wrapped up in the monotony of our everyday lives, that we don't just stop for a second to appreciate the small things around us... We look, but barely see. Barely see the intensity of the beauty that surrounds us. That tingly sensation you get when the ray of sunlight hits your skin on a cold day... The beautiful view out your window, in the morning, of the dew covered grass with the vibrantly colored bird, perched on a near-by fence, chirping its heart content. There's so much beauty surrounding us, we just need to pay more attention to the little things. Open your eyes and you will be in awe at how magnificent the world is...

Trapped In The Rain

As the light showers change into treacherous storms I am enclosed, locked away in an almost enchanted place all alone. Normally this loneliness would not phase me, but this prison that the rain has trapped me has forever changed me. I feel like the shell of the person I once was.

Crowded Thoughts

Having to dream in silence has become too noisy and overcrowded… To noisy and overcrowded in the only place I am truly alone.

Definitely One Of My Favourite Quotes Ever

I know people think I'm stupid, but I'm not dumb. I just let you and the other girls have your way because that's how you need it to be. But I think Carl's right, pretty soon we're all going to graduate and I can start over. But it'll be harder for the people who need this place to make themselves feel special. People who use high school to build themselves up and then find out that the real world doesn't care so much about who you were in high school. People like you.

Choices

Sometimes choices aren't always the best thing. Do you want safety or excitement? Can you have both? Being young, when it comes to relationships, why do you date someone? Is it to find the person you are meant to be with or just to have fun? Then you think that you have found the one, only to move on a few weeks or months later. Safety is usually always the best option. Danger isn't always worth the trouble. Loving someone isn't always enough. You need to become your own person, without anyone but yourself. Choose to become your own person before you decide who will fit in with who you really are.

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the hardest things we are faced with. The realisation that no matter how much of our heart and soul goes into something, doesn't make it true, real or even last longer. Being in love is amazing but having to let go of it, not knowing if you will regret the decision later on, is terrifying and not many have the strength to go through with it. Fear fuels our lives. whats scarier than letting go is realising what a huge mistake you made. you know its real when it hurts like hell to let go and doesn't stop feeling that way. It isn't easy sticking with the decision especially when you realise that nothing in your life means anything if you can't share it with that special person.

An important life lesson

AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON

Capturing That First Perfect Moment

A friend once told me, treat every day like it’s the first time you’re seeing the world. Everything looks more beautiful the first time you look at it. Your perception of people change as time goes by. That instant when you meet and think they are amazing is the memory you want to hold dear forever, before they mess up and make you realise that not everything they do is perfect. Not everything said is the truth. Not every moment is real. Losing that hope is like losing a little of your soul every time. As time passes more pain is inflicted more bruises and scars…you wish every first moment would last forever.

Everybody Leaves

Everybody leaves. There's always that moment when you realise it's time for you to leave and start a fresh. It's that time when you stop basing who you are on the people around you. You start finding the person you want to become, and hope that person is someone you can be proud off. The worst kind of disappointment is when you fail yourself and compromise that which you believe in. So everybody leaves, to search for themselves. But in the end you come back to prove that leaving is what you needed to make you stronger, and that you are better than you would have been if you had stayed and watched others leave.

Lost Soul

I feel trapped here like a hamster in its cage being tortured no food no water . No substance.I feel like I'm slipping, losing who I am and who I'm meant to be. I need to feel again. I stopped feeling when you left. I'm numb in my silence, alone in my sorrows. My escape, there is no real escape, just a fictional place that numbs the pain.

Lies

Have you ever been caught in the perfect lie. A lie so good that its hard for you to even distinguish between the truth and your world of fiction. A lie so flawless there is no way to get out of it, so you keep digging deeper and deeper until your grave is complete and you are slowly buried alive...

Happy Days

So how do you know when you are truly happy? Is it when things go your way and you catch a break for a while, or is it that idealistic time when everything is perfect? The truth is we are never truly happy. It’s like as soon as life realises you are happy it’s time for sabotage to make you struggle and have you start all over. You know like in monopoly, you go around the board but you always go passed start to try again to make things better. The thing is life is hard and at times you feel like you will never be able to breathe again , but with time things get easier and more bearable you realise that your problems get smaller and insignificant, the get replaced with harder challenges and each time you come out that much  stronger. So truly every person feels happy in their own screwed up way in their dysfunctional lives, but I don’t we would be happy living the idealistic life.

skank day

Once in a while you get a skank day- it’s when normal sweet innocent girls act skankish and the real true skanks take a backseat and watch these girls make fools of themselves. What is your definition of a skank??

For me it’s quite simple, every girl has a little bit of skank in her. The girl in the committed relationship who sneaks glances at the amazingly attractive guy in her class and flashes him her best smile, the one that’s a tomboy that keeps reassuring you that she doesn’t have a crush on her friend but when they’re alone she’ll try many methods to see if he feels the same most times he picks up on it and gets freaked out, right to that full blown skank who flirts with guys knowing her boyfriend is around, talks dirty and rude with guys, and hugs and throws herself at her supposed best friend and uses that as an excuse. The shocking thing is a skank can pick up on another full blown skank doing the exact same things as she does yet she thinks she is better and assumes she has more class. What a joke really.

There’s one type of person that I don’t find skanky it’s that best friend of yours that has the courage to tell you that they have feelings for your ex or for that insane crush you  had at the beginning of the year that went nowhere. It’s true that the forbidden fruit always taste that much better and knowing that you can’t have something makes you want it that much more. I mean think about it, how did you make the friends you have?? It’s based on having the same likes and dislikes and getting along, so doesn’t that mean that you would have similar taste in guys too? Makes sense. So what’s wrong with her being with an ex or crush if you have moved on? It’s all about territory but I’ll leave it at this would you rather see your ex or crush with a full blown skank who will rub it in your face and just hurt him, or would you choose your sweet honest friend who wouldn’t hurt someone you cared dearly for?