Here's to Someday

I dreamt about you last night.... I thought to text you, but stared at your contact info and was too scared. What could I say? I guess all I can do is hope that you'll  see this someday....

When I tell you I'm okay...

I'm actually dying inside.

Subtle Love

The most subtle of loves is what I have come to yearn for.
The kind of love that you have brought me....

The kind that doesn't need to be declared for the entire world to see. The kind of love that is shown in the little gestures. A simple smile shared in secret, a sweet kiss on the cheek.

This I find to be most delicate and pure.

Dear Old Friend

You will always hold a special place in my heart.
You deserve overwhelming love and happiness in your life. You are an amazingly kind and thoughtful friend.

I hope that you know, I'm not going anywhere...

I'm Back!

A sense of relief is dawning on me, I need to face the things that haunt me. I need to learn how to be comfortable in my own skin.

Someone that I care about recently reached out to me and helped me get my spark back.
The one thing that has always aided my thoughts, emotions and feelings...
My writing.

Without it, I've felt expressionless and lost.
But with it I feel a sense of clarity.
I feel like I'm getting back to a good place...

I Forgive You

The past couple of months have been a mixture of laughs and inconsolable tears. The saying "Blood, sweat and tears", doesn't even come close to describing what I've had to deal with.

How do you recover when a loved one leaves you?
When someone you have known all your life, from the day you were born, calls you a failure...
All I want to say to you is that I hate you but I know that's not true. I know that the only reason this hurts is because I love you so much.

And it's because I love you that this pain will never completely subside. But I guess at the end of the day you have to do what's best for you.

I forgive you, because I know I'm not a failure or a puppet and one day soon I will be successful and nothing you say will ever hurt me again!

Always you

No matter how good or bad my day is. My final thoughts, always drift back to you.

No Regrets

Even though the outcome was not what I expected or wanted, I'm glad I took a chance. I'm tired of hiding how I feel from the world.

I'm Tired...

Enough is Enough. I'm tired of thinking about you. I'm tired of missing you . I'm tired of seeing you in everything I do . I've loved you for as long as I remember. It's all I know anymore...

Foolish Notions

I have no idea why or how I got to this place, I cannot even recall the exact time I started this crazy notion.. All I know is that it was sudden and took me completely by surprise...I know now that I need to forget about this and pretend like this entire thing was a bad dream, I should relish in the fact that I realised this before I made a fool of myself.

Always and Forever

I will love you till the day I die.

Always on my Mind.

These feelings I have for you are so strange. It caught me completely off guard and I now find myself constantly thinking of you. I know it might seem crazy and a little insane.... But then again, where's the fun in being normal..

Darkness

Darkness is hovering over me like a plague. The light and warmth that once surrounded me has diminished. I keep searching for a way back into the light but it seems so hopeless. Soon darkness and I will become the best of friends...

Why...

Why can't I just have what I want.
Why does it have to be complicated.
Why does it have to feel as if my soul was ripped out of me and torn into a million pieces.
Am I not allowed to be happy?
Am I not allowed to feel loved?
Do I not deserve it...

When All Your Dreams Come True.

The moment when all your dreams come true,  who do you want standing next to you?  Through your darkest hour, through your brightest day.   There's always one person that could make  your day that much brighter, to be that flicker of hope through the darkness.

Meeting that person is truly a gift,  a gift like no other.  It's like opening your eyes for the first time and taking in the intensity of the world,  full of hope and wonder.

When it's gone,  it's the worst kind of pain.  Loneliness and dispair become your closest friends. 

Hold it dear forever, everyday, every hour, every second.  Because it hurts like hell once it's gone.

Just a random Love letter...

I hate this... You took my heart, when it was hurting and showed me love. We spent hours on end just talking, arguing and laughing. You repaired me, made me feel whole again and made me receptive to the changes taking place in my life. I felt safe and secure with you. You taught me that true love doesnt mean we don't fight or disagree, but rather it's two people that stay true to themselves as well as learning to accept the other person for who they are.

Through all the changes that have occured in the past couple of years, you held my hand and stood by me through it all. You showed me how to love again and made me fearless to the unknown. You showed me reason, when every sense of reason had left me...

I adore you... Thank you for teaching me how to love again, especially how to love myself again...

How are we still in the same place after all these years?

Just A Thought

Sometimes you make me feel like an object, a possesion, something you use and can discard till you need me again... If you ever need me again. Will I ever be good enough to be more than just a secret?

Helplessness

So tired of feeling this way.  One minute I think everything is going great and I'm happy and the next I feel this void in my life.  It makes me wonder how much longer this will last for. This downward spiral has me gripping on straws from my past, hoping for some clarity as to when this all started. 

Time For A Change

Sometimes wanting something completely different to what you are used to can be a good thing. Sometimes you just feel that way because memories cannot keep holding on forever.  No matter how many or how intense or how vivid those memories may be. You cannot let every opportunity or every new person, in your life,  slip away because you are too afraid to move on.

Starless Sky

Thinking about the past, has me thinking and dreaming about how things would have been, had I not been afraid to stand up for how I felt at that moment.  The feelings might have been fleeting but they were there. They came at me with such a force I was stunned for a long time. It felt as if time had stood still and all that mattered was us in that moment, under the nights starless sky. Enveloped in the darkness we were scared but excited, all of this still new to us. I knew in that moment this could be the real thing. Who knows it might still be...

I'm Ready!

Wow things have definitely changed. I'm not the same insecure person I was before. Being here has taught me how to be tough and assertive and it has shown me that I can make it in anything I work hard at. This is the motivation that i've needed for so long. Now I can't wait for what comes next... I'm ready!

OTH

Magic in the little things

My mind races to a million different memories when I think of you...And I'll cherish each and every memory for the rest of my existence. There's so much wonder and magic in even the tinniest of memories. 

Just How I Feel

It's not that I cannot survive without you. It's that I love spending most of my time with you. The truth is I'm the happiest when you are around.

Scattered

Lately I've been checking my blog, wanting to post something, but having nothing to say. I keep thinking this is because I'm content and happy...

Today reality hit me hard!
I'm numb!

This past year has gone by, I've met so many new people, yet it feels like I have nobody. The people I consider my closest friends, I barely speak to and I'm to BLAME! I'm so caught up in everyday life that I have completely lost sight of myself! I go to work, come home,  download stuff that have no real substance, sleep, study, sleep some-more and repeat day after day... I have no idea how to get out of this rut that I'm currently in. I don't know how to fix and mend all the relationships I've allowed to crumble.

I think that I've pushed them away because I'm ashamed. I'm ashamed of the direction my life is heading in... I'm afraid to admit that I'm terrified of what to expect in the next couple of years.  I'm afraid that I'm just not good enough for any of them. I feel shattered, pieces of me are scattered and I have no idea how to put all the pieces back together. I don't even know where to begin!

It's time to look passed all the negative in our lives and start looking towards the tiny joys that we all experience every day.  Everyone gets blue, we just need to learn how to "roll with the punches" and move on... If we dwell on all the bad, we miss out on the truly unexpected and magical moments. 

Imperfection is Perfection

The shower turned on, steam started filling the room. I sat on the edge of your bed, you had left the bathroom door open so we could talk while I waited for you... I've known you for years but this was only our 3rd date and it wasn't going as planned.  You were a little late, I was moody from a long day. I kept thinking that the perfect night we had spent hours planning, was ruined...  Only later on did I realise that the imperfections are what made it uniquely perfect. The small caring gestures and secret moments that we share are the most special; like your hand on my back when I'm stressed or anxious... It soothes me. Your concern and worry, comforts and protects me. The love that you radiate warms my soul..  

Give Me Love

The song that got me hooked on Ed Sheeran

Waiting

The sun kissed my skin as I lazily looked up at you...  You were already smiling down at me, the heat I felt intensified.  Just then a cool breeze swept over me, droplets of water lingered in the air making me gasp.  It's cool touch melted away and I looked up; you were gone...  I looked everywhere but you were nowhere.  All I was left with were beautiful memories...  Memories and dreams that will keep me waiting for the day you return.

ALONE

I like being left alone! I actually prefer it. Being alone is so much easier than having to wear a mask. No one sees who I really am, and at times I barely recognise myself...

The storm is near.

Everything's the clearest and most vivid just before a storm. And the storm is near...

That Unexplainable Feeling

Sometimes I just feel so lost. I always say that I feel myself slipping away, but its more than just that, maybe I want to just be lost maybe things will be easier. Why do I find it easier to post on my blog when I am depressed, instead of speaking to those who I am closest to? Maybe its because I know that what I want and need to hear I wont get from them. All I know is that sometimes I just need to talk about how I feel no matter how foolish I might seem and sometimes, I JUST NEED YOU TO LISTEN.

Beauty Surrounding Us

Sometimes in life we are so wrapped up in the monotony of our everyday lives, that we don't just stop for a second to appreciate the small things around us... We look, but barely see. Barely see the intensity of the beauty that surrounds us. That tingly sensation you get when the ray of sunlight hits your skin on a cold day... The beautiful view out your window, in the morning, of the dew covered grass with the vibrantly colored bird, perched on a near-by fence, chirping its heart content. There's so much beauty surrounding us, we just need to pay more attention to the little things. Open your eyes and you will be in awe at how magnificent the world is...

Trapped In The Rain

As the light showers change into treacherous storms I am enclosed, locked away in an almost enchanted place all alone. Normally this loneliness would not phase me, but this prison that the rain has trapped me has forever changed me. I feel like the shell of the person I once was.

Crowded Thoughts

Having to dream in silence has become too noisy and overcrowded… To noisy and overcrowded in the only place I am truly alone.

Definitely One Of My Favourite Quotes Ever

I know people think I'm stupid, but I'm not dumb. I just let you and the other girls have your way because that's how you need it to be. But I think Carl's right, pretty soon we're all going to graduate and I can start over. But it'll be harder for the people who need this place to make themselves feel special. People who use high school to build themselves up and then find out that the real world doesn't care so much about who you were in high school. People like you.

Choices

Sometimes choices aren't always the best thing. Do you want safety or excitement? Can you have both? Being young, when it comes to relationships, why do you date someone? Is it to find the person you are meant to be with or just to have fun? Then you think that you have found the one, only to move on a few weeks or months later. Safety is usually always the best option. Danger isn't always worth the trouble. Loving someone isn't always enough. You need to become your own person, without anyone but yourself. Choose to become your own person before you decide who will fit in with who you really are.

Letting Go

Letting go is one of the hardest things we are faced with. The realisation that no matter how much of our heart and soul goes into something, doesn't make it true, real or even last longer. Being in love is amazing but having to let go of it, not knowing if you will regret the decision later on, is terrifying and not many have the strength to go through with it. Fear fuels our lives. whats scarier than letting go is realising what a huge mistake you made. you know its real when it hurts like hell to let go and doesn't stop feeling that way. It isn't easy sticking with the decision especially when you realise that nothing in your life means anything if you can't share it with that special person.

An important life lesson

AN IMPORTANT LIFE LESSON